This may seem a little all over the place. I can’t think of any other way to get this thing off the ground than to just say what’s on my mind.
We are continually asked to define ourselves. Male, female, black, white, single, married, parent, child, left, right. There are so many ways that society insists on categorizing people. How does the gender of who or number of people I sleep with influence my integrity?
The truth is, we must be continually growing and adjusting our identities to the contexts that shape them. Our identities are constructed by things that are ever evolving and we have to adapt.
So who am I? Once upon a time I was a punk rock angst filled scene kid with a bad habit of loving horrible men. That was a decade ago and I’m happy to leave it in the past.
Then I became the party girl, always down for a good time. Memories of those days are bittersweet. In leaving that life behind I lost touch with some of the best, most loyal people I knew. I guess my party days were different from the kind most experience. Maybe we drank a little too much and loved a little to freely, but we were honest and we had fun.
Then I became a mom and a wife. My bisexuality became taboo, as did my disdain for monogamy. I was now supposed to perform within these constructs set forth by a society whose values and morals didn’t align with my own. I finally came to terms with my lack of religious belief as I was supposed to be fulfilling a role based on the misogynistic values of faith. I needed to be the doting wife and mother. My needs weren’t a priority, nor were my views and opinions or beliefs.
This wasn’t anyone’s fault. I assumed a position without the realization of all the implications. Things I thought that could be reckoned with ended up being unbelievably divisive. Personal and private issues became overwhelming.
Now is the time for another change. A change in who I am in relation to the box I’m supposed to fit in.
I will never let my sexuality be defined by a relationship status. I am who I am. I will never again change my name. I will, however, decide my own labels.
I am a soon to be divorced bisexual 26 year old full time student, a mother to two beautiful boys, an atheist, a humanist, a liberal social activist. I’m a writer. I’m a reader. I’m a communicator. I’m assertive. I drink a lot of gin.
I don’t know exactly where that would put me. I don’t really feel concerned about it anymore. The relief here is in the fact that I am in control of it and I won’t allow anyone else to dictate it for me.
And that’s okay.
“I’m nobody. Who are you? Are you nobody, too?” -Emily Dickinson